Dealing with Tantrums

Children with big emotions can be a struggle.  Emotional outbursts or tantrums can lead to frustration, exhaustion or feeling depleted.  When an emotional outbursts hit, we tend to want to fight against them. This tends to add fuel to the fire resulting in power struggles.  This can also lead to the child feeling detached and resentment towards the parent. In his book Unconditional Parenting, Alfie Kohn explains practical ways to create loving attachment while setting expectations and raising responsible children.  
The goal for parents should be to set limits, teach the child how to appropriately handle emotions, and maintain a secure connection.  Parents can achieve this by doing the following:

1. Model calm and being in control for your child- You cannot deescalate someone when you are not in control of your own emotions. 
   
2. Plan ahead whenever possible- Does your child get hangry?  Always carry snacks. Bored? Bring activities. Prevention is always better than intervention. 
   
3. Whenever possible remove your child to a private area- Especially when in public, tantrums can be excruciating for both parent and child.  Private areas will allow for less stimulation and preserve dignity.  
   
4. Provide simple, repetitive directions- When emotions are heightened, the logic and reasoning areas in the brain are turned off.  Simple, repetitive commands not only help the child but can act like a mantra for parents to maintain their cool.  
   
5. Stay with your child- Leaving your child alone creates detachment and disconnection.  In rare cases, like when your child gets more escalated when your present, you may want to stand outside of the door.  But in most cases, your child needs you present, especially younger children.  
   
6. Check in with their basic needs- During high levels of emotions children can get more overwhelmed due to being hot or thirsty.  If you notice they may be getting hot, suggest taking off a layer or clothes or asking if they want a glass of water.  This sometimes can also reset their brains and reduce the length of the tantrum.  
   
7. Provide lots of time for the child to rebound after a tantrum- Following a tantrum a child may seem calm but can be quickly triggered again if not given enough calm down time.  
   
8. Always follow up with a discussion AFTER the child is calm- This is an opportunity to problem solve and offer suggestions to teach better emotional regulation.  Make sure the child is totally calm so you do not re-trigger high emotions.  
   

Parent Script
Here is a few examples of directions to give when a child is experiencing an emotional outburst:
“I hear how mad you are.” 
“No hitting, no kicking” 
“You can show me how mad you are by stomping your feet or using your words” 
“We can talk when you're calm.” 

All of these phrases, validate what the child is feeling but helps direct their behaviors to be more appropriate.   

If your child displays violent or frequent tantrums, a mental health professional can assist you to create an individualized plan to deal with your child's tantrums.